The title doesn’t lie y’all. I need to get it together.
Here are the facts:
I have been trying to lose weight for three years.
I have never stuck to anything or actually put in 100% effort.
I don’t know if I always believe I can do this.
I am having a hard time scheduling a routine that allows me to put myself first, because somewhere deep in my psyche, I don’t think I really believe I deserve it.
I signed up for The Color Run in June. Partially because it looks fun as hell and I want any excuse to go to something called a “Unicorn Party”, but also because I want to prove to myself that I’m not just a fat girl who can’t move. I want to run one mile of the race. I don’t know if that will be possible, but I’m gonna try.
I am not feeling particularly excited about my health at the moment. Losing weight feels more like a chore than something that gets me amped up and motivated. I feel like it’s something I HAVE to do instead of something I WANT to do. Some days are better than others. Yoga has been helping, but then I have people who tell me that “Yoga isn’t really doing that much for your body..you need to do cardio if you want the pounds to come off.” Maybe that’s true, but yoga makes my body feel good, so I’m gonna keep doing it and that’s that.
The thing is…I stopped caring about the number a long time ago. Every time I stepped on the scale and saw what I’d become, I felt HORRIFIED. I felt ASHAMED. I felt ANGRY. I felt worthless. Because a number made me feel that way. Because society says that a girl of my weight is “gross”. Because I was officially the thing I had feared my whole life. The thing I had dreaded becoming. Obese. This is why Weight Watchers never worked for me. I left filled with shame every single time, and had to answer questions like “Well did you poop today? Maybe after you poop you’ll be down a quarter pound!”…….Yeesh.
I finally stopped trying to squeeze into the “plus sized” clothes at Target and H&M and started shopping at Torrid, Lane Bryant, and Lularoe, stores that sell clothes for plus sized women that don’t make us feel like we are sausages trying to fit into a world of supermodels. Being able to dress myself in clothes that aren’t a shapeless sack (always in black…BLACK IS SLIMMING!) has helped immensely with my self confidence.
I realized I have an all or nothing attitude about this whole thing…and I’ve put myself on a STRICT timeline. You MUST lose 100 pounds by this date. You MUST lose 50 pounds by your best friend’s wedding. You MUST be this size or you are worthless. But the thing is….there is no timeline on your health. You just start. You just show up and do it. Unless a doctor tells you you’re going to die in two weeks unless you lose 25 pounds…there’s no time limit. You just have to commit, which has been my struggle in the past few weeks.
I’m a creature of habit and I love a routine, but somewhere in saying yes to EVERY opportunity that came my way in the past three years, I lost how to take care of myself. I feel like I’m re-learning and it’s NOT easy (though doesn’t it seem like it should be?) I guilt myself over saying “no thanks”, so I can take some time for me when I need it. I feel like every opportunity I miss is one that could have been something great (FOMO much?) I feel like because all of the women (read: in my opinion) around me are losing and I’m not, my journey means nothing. If I would just carve out the time, get my shit together, show up and do the damn thing, I would be where I want to be by now.
I know I post a lot of pretty pictures on Instagram of me in yoga poses and me smiling into the sun, and yes, those are moments I want to share, but it isn’t all pretty and filtered and happy. I still am not happy most of the time with what I let happen to my body. I still feel embarrassed. I still wonder when I run into old friends I haven’t seen in years if their first thought upon seeing me is “WOW, SHE GOT FAT!” This journey is hard. But for some reason, I keep choosing it. Even when I fall off, I get back up again. The gains I DO get from it outweigh the struggle for me.
Maybe I won’t hit a 100 pound loss in a year like all these people I see on Instagram do. Maybe I won’t ever lose 100 pounds…but more like 50. The fact that I will be HEALTHY and STRONG and most importantly, PROUD of myself…that should outweigh the number.
I’m going to get my shit together. And I’m going to make myself proud as hell of the woman I’ve become.